Why You’re So Mentally Exhausted — The Invisible Load of Motherhood

If you’re constantly tired — not just physically, but mentally — there’s a name for that: the invisible load.

In this episode of More Than Mom with Dr. Nichelle Haynes, Dr. Haynes, perinatal psychiatrist and mom, explores the concept of the mental load of motherhood — the relentless stream of planning, remembering, anticipating, and emotionally managing that so many moms carry without acknowledgment.

We talk about:

• What the invisible load actually is (and why it’s not “just part of being a mom”)
• Why it often goes unseen — even by our partners, families, and systems
• How this mental labor affects your identity, energy, and mental health
• The emotional toll of being the “default parent” — and how to begin shifting the pattern
• Why naming the invisible load is the first step toward redistributing it
• Practical tips for sharing the load of tasks in your home

You’re not overreacting. You’re not failing. You’re carrying more than anyone realizes — and you deserve support.

We briefly talk about Setting Boundaries, Finding Peace, by Nedra Glover Tawwab, you can find it here.

Transcript

 You are listening to More Than Mom with Dr. Nichelle Haynes, A podcast for women in the thick of it all, navigating the messy, beautiful work of finding themselves again in and beyond motherhood. I'm Dr. Nichelle Haynes, perinatal psychiatrist mom and your companion in this space for real, but gentle conversations about identity, mental health, and the deep transformation.

We don't talk about enough because becoming a mother changes everything. And this is your chance to be intentional about that change.

We are here at episode two. Yay! The Invisible Load. We're going to unpack a bit the mental weight that mothers carry. So to start, let's define the invisible load. You know what this is, but I think putting it into words can be really helpful.  It's the mental load, the emotional labor. It's all the unseen or unacknowledged tasks that you carry in your mind. It's all of the. Planning the, maybe the worrying that you do every single day. It's like you are the one who notices when your kids' shoes are getting too tight, and you're the one who knows that in school right now, this brand is popular, but that brand isn't, you know, um, that your kid is now shifted their favorite color from blue to green, and you know that you have soccer practice this week on Tuesday, but you could probably go shopping on Wednesday. And then, you know when the stores are open and you know the traffic to get there and you know right after school they're gonna be hungry. So you're planning snacks. It's these kinds of things, these things that you're thinking about for one specific task, right? 

It's not just that you're the one who makes sure that your kid gets new shoes.

It's the 47 other things that, you know, go along with making the shoe buying experience better. It's planning meals and then trying to incorporate everyone's preferences or maybe their allergies or, planning around different schedules and, and things like that. It's worrying about your kiddos. It's all of the things that you do without realizing that you do them, that's the invisible load. 

And one important aspect here is to think about sometimes the invisible load is even invisible to us because when I was thinking of examples planning for this episode, I was really even astonished about thinking about the things. That are invisible even to me, like the shoe example, right? There's so much ripple effect that happens with planning, even one simple thing. And so the invisible load, even in planning an episode on Invisible Load, I made some of the invisible things visible to myself, and I'm someone who talks about this every single day.

So it's not just what you do. It's what you manage, what you anticipate, what you feel responsible for, and no one sees it. Sometimes you don't see it. No one thinks you for it. No one recognizes how much you put into making everything just a little bit easier.

And that's what makes it so heavy. It's not just that it is invisible, it's that even the expectation of carrying the invisible load can be invisible to us. We're carrying it without realizing it. We're carrying it silently. You are the one who's expected to keep everyone else's world spinning.  You are the one who's expected to not burn out while doing all of these things.

It comes from our cultural messages. They're rooted in the idea that somehow you're better at this or that there's some biologic component to why you're doing this. Like, "oh, moms are more organized", or "you're just better at multitasking than me", or, "I didn't even think about that. It's no big deal. Everyone does that. Everyone's tired." It's become normalized that this is for you to carry, not for anyone else to carry with you. You are invisible.

Right now I want to take a second and offer a moment for you to reflect. Slow down for a second. 

What's one thing that you are mentally tracking that no one else sees?

Just naming it, making it become visible to ourselves is really powerful. The awareness around that is really important for you to be able to let some of it go. The awareness around it is really important for you to know how heavy it is. I recently heard a quote, and I don't know who to attribute it to, but it said she didn't realize how heavy it was until she wasn't carrying it anymore.

For me, it was like one of those brain explosion moments where I was like, oh yeah, yeah, that really resonates for me. I really get that. So in taking that moment to reflect and to recognize the things that you are tracking today that no one else really pays attention to, it brought some awareness to that, and that awareness allows for you to let it go. To delegate it, to not be the one to carry it, to not have it be invisible anymore.

So let's talk about what the research actually says, because as a psychiatrist, I see the mental load and the invisible labor come up again and again. I can almost not think of a visit where it doesn't come up. It's burnout, anxiety, depression, and I wanna say it's not like it's. The root cause because I think there's a more biologic component and there are other things at play here too, but it is a chronic background stressor that wears us down over time, and we know that stressors are a component of experiencing depression or anxiety or worsening those conditions if they're already present.

So the studies show that women carry more of the cognitive labor. This is the invisible load, right? They carry more of that labor at their house, and that even occurs in relationships that are more equal. The labor isn't just chores. We've talked about that. It's not just chores. It's not about being the one to wipe down the counters.

It's about being the default manager of the household and those household emotions. I think that's a big component. It directly impacts emotional wellbeing and it can really mess with our sense of identity, and that is what is an important component of having this topic be at the beginning of this podcast series because it can really trample over our sense of identity when we are carrying so much that there is so little space for us. And when we name it, when we recognize it, when we are able to do those things, we are able to start making changes and create more space for ourselves. 

And that is where the good stuff is.

That is where we can start finding out who we are, figuring out who we wanna be, figuring out how to let go of the old components of ourselves, figuring out how we can go through our matri essence. And if you don't know what that term means, please go back and listen to the first episode. Pause here, go back.

Listen to what matresence is. It's hugely important concept to understand as you are exploring your identity. So it costs us a lot to carry the invisible load. It comes with a lot of loneliness, feeling like we are the only ones managing this, that or the other. The only ones who notice these things, the only ones who care about these things, you're the one who's thinking three steps ahead.

You're the one who always has snacks in their bag when you know, your partner doesn't even carry a bag at all. You're the one who has an extra set of diapers in the car. You're the one who carries the bandaids. You're the one who is planning for the summer camps in January. That's how it is here! In January you have to plan for summer camps. The guilt that comes in when we're having to do these things and the shame for feeling like we are not doing it well enough when we're doing freaking everything and the sadness, the deep despair that comes in when you just wish that someone would take care of you for once, and you can be that one to take care of yourself.

It's best if you do take care of yourself, and we'll talk about that in further episodes.

So what do we do? I wanna be very clear. Pause here and listen. Really listen. 

The solution isn't ask for help. 

'cause what does that do? That requires that you know what you need help with. That requires that you manage what you get help with. When someone says, just make me a list, that's another task for you to do.

It's not, uh, what do we need from the store? When is picture day I'll, I'll do that. I'll take care of it. No. Even when you have support, which is not the case for everyone, the mental labor of directing, it still falls on you. We're not talking about redistribution of tasks. We're talking about creating shared ownership of tasks.
So one of the things I talk about here when we are creating shared ownership of tasks is that we give over the entire task. For instance, if someone is in charge of meals, they're in charge of knowing what's in the pantry. They're in charge of grocery shopping for that meal. They're in charge of meal planning. They're in charge of making that meal. Right. That's just an example. It doesn't have to be that way for you, but I wanna give a picture of how the entire task is taken over. It's not just, Hey, let me make dinner tonight, because then you had to be the one to decide what's for dinner, to go to the grocery store, to know, to budget the meals, to do all of these things.

If you are handing over a task, then. The entire task goes to that person, and that's theirs. It's not for you to check up on, it's not for you to do. And this requires a lot of work and labor as well. But it's an investment in not having to carry that mental load anymore. Listening to one podcast is not gonna fix all the problems. It's not going to automatically make everything easy to give over the invisible mental load, but I can give you some tools to help you start in that direction. First, of course, is giving over the entire task. We can use the picture day example. That means that someone is on the email list that they are monitoring for picture day. That they are doing the hair, they're doing the outfits, they're planning everything. When the pictures come in, they're the ones to decide about buying. They're the ones to bring it to you and say like, do you like this? You know, maybe get some feedback there. And they're the ones to do the actual purchase of the pictures, right? So it's not just. You knowing when picture day is and and telling them, Hey, go, go do the hair. Go do the outfits. It's them to go over the entire task. So that's one. But really it starts with practicing naming what is invisible, bringing it to your forefront, being mindful, checking in with all the things that you're thinking about and doing, even if it's just for yourself. Checking in on those things. It might be helpful for you to write it down to externalize the mental clutter for you.

It requires setting boundaries, knowing about boundaries. There's a great book by Nedra Glover Tawwab. I'm gonna, um. I probably get the, the name wrong of the book, but I think it's  setting Boundaries, finding Peace. I'll include it in the show notes. That book has been really transformative for me personally, and I use that book and recommend it to patients all the time. I think it's really great if you're working on boundaries. You, once you give the task over. And they're asking for feedback. You're not teaching them how to do the task, you're setting the boundary. This task is yours to figure out how to do.

I wanna give you a quick journaling prompt for this week one that you can sit with and remember. You don't have to make it pretty, you don't have to edit it. I hope you don't.  I want you to be honest with yourself. I want you to not judge the things that you say or the things that you write down.

 The prompt for this week is, "what am I carrying today that no one sees, and what would it feel like for me to set just this one part down and explore what comes up for you in that question?"

The invisible load, the mental load is real. You don't have to carry it all by yourself. Naming it, reclaiming yourself are the first important aspects of creating space for you to fill it with things that you love and figure out who you are. It's really early in the podcast series and it's intentional that I did that.

You have to let some things go to create space for the new you.

If this episode spoke to something in you, please share it with a mom friend. Let them go with you on your journey. Help them feel better. If you're ready to dig deeper, my guided journals are gonna be available soon. I will keep you up to date on that. They're designed to help you find your voice. They're designed to help you explore what it means to be the new you.

Next week we'll be exploring perfectionism and motherhood and the pressure of like getting it right and how that's costing us more than we might think. Until next time, take care of yourself.